A little over three years ago my late husband was killed in the line of duty by a drunk driver. The drunk driver has since been charged and is incarcerated. She will be let out next year and will go to a rehabilitation center.
My children have grown three years older…they have begun to be removed from the immediate tragedy of their father’s death. I hold their not so little hands now and feel such gratitude to have these two in my life. They are moving forward with the memories their father left them and of what I remind them. Each year we visit the site where their father took his last breath. Every year it is different with new emotions and new perspectives.
My own life went from safe to chaotic and back to feeling safe again with a change of perspective. Knowing that life can be cut short and being present (in the now) is far more important than I thought it would be.
I was an emotional basket case, although some may think that I have a little bit of that emotional roller coaster hanging in the balance.
I am at a point, wondering what next? Where do I go from here? There have been many paths that I have carved out in the road that I have walked these last three years. Going forward, I am at a crossroads.
I have volunteered with a couple of organizations that support fallen officers, done many speeches about my book and being a surviving spouse. Maybe the most challenging of those speeches comes when I am speaking about the effects of drunk driving. Trying to educate others on what it is like to lose someone to a drunk driver and the impact it has on one’s life and to children. This is hard to put into words. I wish that at times I could have a video of all that I went through to show people. The raw emotion is unforgettable.
This summer I got remarried to a federal agent. This has created a family unit again. My children were glowing, as I was at the wedding. They think very highly of their step dad, as do I. We are a unique family, as I believe all families are. As my youngest son puts it…he has a dad here and one in the sky.
My question still remains…where do I go from here? I feel a great sense of accomplishment in my life now, but I am searching for where my place should be in this world. When I ask this question, I mean with a career.
How can I continue to impact lives and continue to create a sense of accomplishment with what I do?
Which path do I take and should I continue to follow what Ralph Waldo Emerson said…Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
I am in search of answers and know I will find them, until then…I remain searching.