Blessed

blessedToday I sit here with so much ahead of me.  I think about my children and how they are growing.  They seem to be advancing faster than I can keep up.  I do constantly tell them that I plan on putting a brick on their head to keep them from growing.

I think about my “new” life with a man that has welcomed myself and my children into his life with open arms.  Now as a widow you have a little baggage that comes along with that.  So the mere fact that I got a second look from him after knowing this was a win for me.  My life with him seems different that that of my late husbands.  I was not sure how I could love anyone as much as my late husband, but it is possible. To have two men in my life that love and loved me for who I am is quite a blessing.

I am a different person now than I was before though. I sometimes wonder if my late husband would recognize me and we would still be the same as I am not.  I also think about how strong and confident my fiancé is.  How he accepts the facts of my late husband and I.  How he lets me grieve when I need to holding me tighter with each tear.  How I must have done something right in my life to have this now, after I thought for so long that I would never have another deep love again.

So today, I sit here, blessed with my life, children, future husband and all of my family (which does include many sets of in laws…lol).

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Being Thankful!

Scrabble letter spelling out being thankful. on white background with pink flowersOn the day before Thanksgiving, I think it is suiting to talk about what I am thankful for.  There are several family traditions that happen during this holiday, but I believe the one common practice is to give thanks. 

I am thankful for my two children.  They are two amazing boys that make me laugh, cry and frustrated, amongst many other emotions.  What they do most is make me feel proud to be their mother.  They have accomplished and overcome so many things in their short lives.  They show me that anything is possible.  I am in awe at their strength and unconditional love they have for others.

The time I was able to spend with my late husband is something to be thankful for.  It was not as long as I planned for, but he taught me so much.  He helped create the person I am today and his death has created an undefined appreciation that I have for life now.  He left me with that one final gift in my life.

My family and friends have been there for me in the ups and downs.  With their help I was able to get through things in my life, I once thought impossible.  I probably could have done it on my own, but their support made it so much easier for me. 

I am thankful for the organizations that have supported my families and other families throughout the United States.  For all of you that follow me and read my words.  You give me inspiration and confidence that what I am doing is important.

I am also thankful for my admirer.  I did not think that it would be possible to love another man after losing my husband, but it is.  I am grateful he has entered my life.  We are able to look into one another’s eyes and really see each other.  He shows me each day who I am and gives me boundless love.

So thankful for all the love that surrounds me, strength, beautiful moments and joyful memories. May beautiful moments, joyful memories and love surround you during the holiday. 

My First Date continued…

front car window.  A man and woman holding hands resting on a center consoleAs we drove away from my house, we settled into the ease of our friendship, talking about what we did that day.  I looked over at him with disbelief, how can a person’s heart feel so much pain for months, feel like it was broken beyond repair — then in a given moment transcend.  The two feelings collided, creating a hurricane of thoughts and emotions ready to explode like a shaken soda bottle.  

We arrived at an ice skating rink, which was a surprise to me.  I had only been skating once in my life, unless you count the times growing up where I had put on old skates and tried to skate down the gravel road next to my house after an ice storm.  He had played hockey growing up, so skating probably came second nature to him like riding a bike.  

people on ice skating rinkWe snapped our skates on tightly and walked to the ice.  I went on hesitantly, but soon was skating with some comfort.  I watched as he gliding around the ice, lapping me a few times.  Then he came up behind me, grabbed my sides and pushed me along.  His touch on my hips sent tingles up my back and this assured me that the feeling I thought I was having was most definitely true.  I had feelings for him beyond our friendship.  We skated around, laughing and enjoying ourselves.  In those moments, I was able to wipe away all the anguish that had consumed me and there was even more hope in my journey and in my life story.  

Hunger called and we left the rink to eat.  During dinner, I decided to start the conversation that I had been waiting to have for some time now.  I told him how I felt and that I never imagined feeling this way about someone after Mike died.  

I thought that those possibilities of love left the day Mike took his last breath – that my heart would not mend and be capable of love again.  

He looked back at me over his salad and we discussed a line that would get crossed.  A line that he was not sure if he wanted to or would be able to cross.  It was about brotherhood, about respecting Mike and about what was right no matter how he might feel about me. 

This invisible line was hard for me to understand and took me time to really “get” what he was saying.  I knew though, that I needed to be patient because committing to me would be a decision that needed to be weighed in his mind.  He was a man of respect and integrity.  He needed to be all in and make that leap with confidence.  I had adoration for that.  This is one of the reasons I was drawn to him. 

Leaving dinner that night, I was a bit confused.  I was not sure how this would turn out in the end.  I knew that I wanted him in my life.  He had helped my children and me through some of the hardest moments.  I just preferred it be more than a friendship, but I was willing to compromise if I needed. 

It was a quiet drive home.  The sun had set and darkness had fallen.  I began to fall asleep. I think the emotional struggle I had built up drained the energy out of me.  I reached over and grabbed his hand into mine.  I was hoping for a sign, either he would embrace it or shy away.  With delight he held my hand back.  This was a turning point and I knew that our life would begin together in the near future. 

“Love isn’t love until we share it, but the real fulfillment in life is finding love and sharing it with someone who can freely and without any conflict love us faithfully in return.” – Joe D. Mango

My First Date…

Woman looking out a window through the shade.  With one hand near her mouth biting her nails. I can remember the day when I looked up from my fish and realized I started to develop feelings for my friend.  I was not sure what to do with them.  I tried to rationalize them, then I thought can this even be possible?  I waited a few weeks before I let him know.  Then of all things I text him.  Which makes me laugh.  I should have probably told him face to face. 

After our short text exchange we decided to go on a date to discuss this change of events.  Moving from friendship to romantic definitely needed to be discussed.  At this point I had no idea how he felt about me.  I knew he was a supportive friend, but could or did his feeling change as mine did.  That was the question I ran through my head over and over. Then I would analyze the times we hung out to see if he was giving me any sort of inclination that his feelings had. 

By the time our date happened the pressure in my head was about to explode.  Not to mention wondering what my children thought.  I did not want to mention anything to them until the “adults”  had their conversation.

I changed my clothes several times, probably putting too much thought into what I was going to wear.  I walked out of my bedroom leaving my clothes strung all over the place and feeling very confident that I looked good. 

I waited, peering out the window for his arrival.  I wondered then how people would judge me, let alone judge him.  This was a big deal to me.  The first person I had feelings for after Mike…I never thought it would be possible.

As he pulled into my driveway, my fears changes to excitement.  I thought tonight all of my questions will be answered.  Some wishful thinking that all of the answers would come in one night…

Come back next week to find out what happened next…