How have you used your crazy courage…

I would love to hear how anyone has used their crazy courage!  Please post comments to share how you used your crazy courage.

Below is a monologue I read recently in a production.  I believe it is a good summary of how I used my crazy courage and what I believe crazy courage is…

September 2, 2010 was the day the United States Border Patrol knocked on my front door and said I’m sorry ma’am but your husband died.  My husband was killed in the line of duty by a drunk driver.  This was the day my children lost their father and the day I became a widow.

The day started out like any other day.  I woke up took my oldest son to school and my youngest to daycare.  I returned home and began my work day.  Fielding calls and ensuring my employees arrived to work safely.  It was nearly 9:30 am and I was waiting for my husband, Mike to call. He was working the night shift protecting our US borders.  He didn’t call, so I called him.  I heard his voicemail and was frustrated.  I thought he is working a long day again.  I decided that I would lecture him when he got home and I went back to focusing on my workday.

Time past and it was 11 am when I got the knock on my door.

After I heard the news of my husband’s death, memories started whipping through my mind.  I thought about all the memories we shared, our children and the previous night.

Since the day my husband was killed, my children and I have been through several stages of grief or emotional stress, or whatever anybody wants to call it.  There are times when things seem so normal, but there is always something missing.  Through all this grief, I found something that I want to share with the world.  I found crazy courage.  It wasn’t easy to find, but I did.

Crazy courage is doing what is right for me, doing what I have to when I was in an emotional state that can become self-defeating, when I lost the passion for life itself. Courage is when I stand up and brush the dirt off and face all the difficulty, uncertainty, and pain by overcoming the fear that has overtaken my rational mind.  When I add the crazy to the courage I am adding an intense enthusiasm that will show others that I have a mission to complete, even if that mission is to get out of bed.  It is when I ignore the voice that is telling me, you are not able to do it.  It is not letting those fears and the pain control me anymore.  It gives me the strength to surpass all of the weaknesses I may feel.  The state of vulnerability I may feel scares me, but when I learned how to eliminate that and replace it with courage I have control again.  Crazy courage is what it took to become myself again or some form of myself. It allows change to happen. It’s the courage to push past your pride, ask for help and accept the support people want to give you. Crazy courage allows me to tell myself the truth.  I would lie to myself and at times I would believe those lies. I cannot close my eyes in hopes that my truths will go away.  I listen to that crazy courage voice inside of me, the one that is telling me you can do it and ignore the voice that sometimes tells me I can’t.  I take some deep breaths, count to ten, close my eyes and listen to what my body and mind are saying.  At times, the crazy courage inside of me was soft whispers that are hard for me to hear, but if I sit long enough,  I will hear them. When I hear and feel the crazy courage, I pull it out and bring it to the surface.  I might wear it like a mask if I need to so I can get passed the first 30 seconds.  I got to a point when I no longer have to listen to the whispers and it is on the surface so I can face what scares me.

I saygive it 30 seconds of crazy courage and you will be surprised by what you are able to accomplish. It takes a lot of crazy courage to face those things you don’t want to do, but you have to do them anyway.

This level of courage is obtainable by anyone and I used it.  It’s the courage that I used to get out of bed and face the world again.  It was the strength that I found inside of myself to do what was necessary to survive and to continue to be a mother to my children after my husband was killed.

There are still times when I feel something inside of me saying, I do not believe you are strong enough. But I am strong.  I just have to continue to believe in love…for life and for myself.  And use my own crazy courage.

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