Searching for Faith…

Green road sign with Faith written on it. Blue sky and clouds behind itWhen I lost my husband, I was angry at everyone.  That included God.  I thought to myself, how can someone that wants good to prevail over evil make a bad choice.  He took my husband from me.  I had people say to me that Mike is in a better place now.  This infuriated me even more.  I felt  he belonged with me and his children. 

One day I was speaking to the Chaplain about my anger towards God.  With his one comment, he changed what I had believed and helped me understand faith a little bit more.  He said, “God is not about good prevailing over evil.  All God wants is to have a relationship with you.” 

In all the church services and Bible studies that I had gone to I cannot remember once someone saying something that made so much sense to me.  Suddenly a light bulb went off in my head and I gained a clearer perspective. 

Before Mike’s death I had not thought much about faith or my relationship with God, except reading the Bible in its entirety when I was 14.  I prayed many nights, but was not avid about going to church. I felt like I could never find the right church for me. 

Faith has been a constant struggle.  I am continuing to search and understand the meaning of faith. Now, when I talk to my children about their father they believe that Daddy is in heaven and watches over us.  Yet, I have never taken either one of them to church. 

What I can say about faith is that I do believe in a higher power and have certain morals that I uphold.  I may struggle my whole life with faith and searching for complete understanding of what it means in my life.  But that’s part of the relationship I am trying to build. 

As Mother Teresa said “Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.”


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