It seems like life passes by so quickly. It has been almost 19 months since Mike’s death. There are days that seem like it has been a long time since Mike has passed and then there are days when it seems like yesterday. In the movie Deep Blue Sea, the cook explains relativity something like this…if you put your hands on a hot woman one minute seems like a second. If you put your hand on a hot frying pan one minute seems like an hour. I have always liked that expression. I am not sure how it relates to the days that I feel different, except that I can base it on how I am feeling and what is happening in my life.
In the last 19 months there have been so many changes in my life and the lives of my children. My family has been through all of the firsts, like anniversaries and holidays. We have gone through the court proceedings and sentencing. This all has seemed to provide some closure, but there still is an open wound that I am not sure will ever close.
What I can say is that my children and I are moving forward in our life and our healing process. We have met some of the most amazing people in our life’s journey. There have been people that have been here with us for every step of the way and I could not ask for better people that surround us now.
We spend time with our family and remain close to my in-laws. This has been a blessing as I have heard from other widows that do not have a close relationship with their in-laws for some reason or another.
My children are thriving now. My oldest son has made the honor roll, which brought tears to my eyes as he was struggling after Mike’s death with school. I was so proud of him and sad that Mike had missed his award ceremony. They are both making friends.
For the first time we are finally socializing with the people on our street. I just realized yesterday how challenging it was for me to mingle amongst my neighbors and get to know them. Now my children and their children play together and bounce around from home to home, enjoying each others company. Creating a beautiful home is important to me and I have been able to spend all the effort into doing so. These small things make me proud. I am showing myself that I am able to live. I see my children laughing and it shoots so much joy through my body.
I have changed as a person and am really getting to know her. I believe in life after our loss and have so many dreams that I cannot wait to accomplish. Through this struggle I was not sure how I was going to be able to find peace again, but I did. I credit a lot of this to finding my crazy courage. Facing all the fears that come with a loss and being capable of being in charge of myself again.